I came to Ottawa a month ago to try to get on the news because, only when the Canadian public knows about my story, will it be possible for me to have a fair legal process to deal with the minor charges resulting from my protests of the Cecilia Zhang murder cover-up. However, due to federal government's interference and control behind the scenes - as they had always been doing - my efforts have not been successful. As such, it's probably time to surrender myself to the authorities.
I was not trying to avoid the trial itself. This I have always maintained, most recently in my March 20 letter to former president of France, Mr. Jacques Chirac: "I am rational in my anticipation of the possible consequences (of my protests) and prepared to accept fair penalties." What I was trying to avoid was the malicious prosecution mounted on a rigged process.
Although it would be extremely unfair and unjust to throw me in jail for my protests, going jail itself actually is not my biggest worry. My biggest worry now is my mother in China.
I wrote occasionally about my mother in my blogs before. I probably should have written a lot more about her, given the consideration I have to take her into in making virtually all my major decisions and the salient support she offers me. In a sense, she is the unsung heroine of my story.
Of course, she does not know a thing about my fight for justice for Cecilia Zhang. I did not tell her because I did not want her to be worried about me. She understood my intention and cooperated with me, even though she wanted very much to know about my daily struggle. Most significantly, she knew in her heart that I was not "running away" from my filial piety, and she knew that, whatever I was doing, I was doing the right things. Realizing that she could not offer me much advice, she prayed for me everyday. What more could you ask for from a mother?
Yet, what a dismal life she herself has been living: As a Chinese mother, she yearned for a normal life in her final years and as such, everyday she did not see me was a day of torment for her. And I have not been able to visit her for more than five years. Added to that is her deteriorating health. Just in the last 30 days since I came to Ottawa, she fell sick three times. And I am not talking about those day-to-day ailments of a person of her age and physical condition. These three were all serious enough that warranted hospital visit and/or in-home medical care. To use her own words: " 年纪大了，说病就病。"
The truth of the matter is, she won't be able to withstand hearing the news that I am in jail. Since phoning her daily was the least I could do in lieu of my filial piety, I have been doing exactly that for the past few years. Having been put in jail back in March, though, I knew that jail conditions would make it virtually impossible for me to phone her often, let along daily. That's why I have tried to cut back the frequency of phone calls to her lately, much to her puzzlement. Still, I just don't know how I can keep her in the dark for any extended period of time if I end up in jail.
Sad, isn't it?
Postscript:
Writing about my mother in this month of June, I couldn't help but also think about the Tiananmen Mothers, a group of Chinese citizens who lost loved ones on or around June 4, 1989.
This group has been fighting for justice for their loved ones for an even longer time. Their stories came to my attention about one year ago - after I had become aware of my "role" as a candidate for the next generation of Chinese leadership. They resonated deeply with my own experience in seeking justice for Cecilia Zhang.
As I mentioned before, when I grew up, I was never interested in politics. Although I was at the university back in 1989, I did not take the free train ride to Beijing, nor did I even participate in the demonstrations in Hefei where my university is located. However, this doesn't mean I wasn't affected by the event of June 4 th, 1989. On the contrary, I believe that the tragedy is not only in my psyche, it is in the psyche of my whole generation.
Years later, when circumstances forced me into becoming a protester here in Canada, I naturally thought about my generation on the Tiananmen Square. Because protest, and especially protest along, had been the remotest idea in my mind, I put on a h eadband to do it.
After I realized my "role" as the next generation of Chinese leadership, I began consciously paying attention to the political aspects of that historical event, especially during last year's anniversary when there were an abundance of articles, documents and analyses coming out. Although there are many different angels to look at the event, there appears to be a consensus: The intentions of the student demonstrators, i.e., calling for political reform and eradication of corruption, were good.
I was particularly struck by the stories of Tiananmen Mothers, not only because they let me see the human side of this national tragedy, but also because their stories resonated deeply with my struggle in seeking justice for Cecilia Zhang. Actually, they made me realize that dealing with this historical event was probably the greatest moral issue facing the current and possibly future Chinese leaderships.
Since I was not actively seeking a career in politics, I refrained from directly commenting on it. However, my sentiment, as revealed in my blog The Meaning of Justice on June 19 of last year, was not that difficult for people to see. I just think it's past time to re-evaluate the event of June 4th and bring justice to the Tiananmen Mothers and other victims of this national tragedy.
